Dear Theo,
Today, because of your biliruben (yellow colour), the nurse had to give you phototherapy, where they put you under a special light. They strip you down to just your diaper and they put a pair of felt 'glasses' on you. The whole thing makes you look like you are out tanning. It's very cute.
This afternoon your other set of grandparents came to visit. You are their first grandchild and they are so excited about you! You know that your grandmother will probably be the only person who calls you by your full name, just like she calls your daddy by his full name.
Today I am being released from the hospital. After being here for over 1 week, it will be nice to go home and sleep in my own bed. I pumped milk for you one more time before I left. Afterwards I lost track of time and I had to rush to bring it to the NICU before the 6:45 p.m. shift change. Your dad was in the washroom at the time so he didn't come with me. I made it in time and the nurse was so nice! Knowing I was going home that night, she let me take you out for a snuggle and she even went and fetched your father so that he could have a snuggle too.
Leaving you and going home was so hard. The second I got into the car I started to cry and I cried the whole way home. After everything that I have been through with this pregnancy, including such a long and painful labour, it feels very unfair to me that I can't even enjoy the moment of bringing you home. The thought of going through at least another 2 weeks separated from you is almost too much to bear.
Love,
mommy
You may be wondering why I didn't stay at the hospital with Theo. The hospital where he was wasn't equipped with rooms for parents to stay (except for the ones they used for their overnight 'tests'). We had been paying for the private room I had been staying in prior to Theo's birth and it wasn't exactly cheap, plus I didn't like the idea of keeping the bed from someone else who might actually be sick or injured. Still, I think when I made the decision to get discharged from the hospital I didn't realize just how hard it would be to leave, to be away from him. By then it was too late to change my mind.
I still had to pump milk every 3 hours (which I would save and bring to the NICU and leave in their fridge) even overnight. I would set my alarm and when it went off, I would get out of bed, come downstairs, put the TV on and pump. There is nothing quite so depressing as being up at 3 in the morning pumping milk. It didn't matter that I kept a picture of Theo close by, it was still sad not having him there.
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