Sunday, November 19, 2006
Dear Theo,
I went to Francesca's baby shower today. Everyone was so surprised to see me. Of course everyone asked how you were doing, how long you would be in the hospital for and how I was doing. I told them my "labour story" too. Alana told me about how she had had postpartum depression and she said she understood how I felt. But I think that our situations are very different. I have no idea what it is like to have postpartum depression - my heart goes out to all the mothers who had or still have to deal with this. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for them. My situation is difficult for a different reason. I know that I am only sad because you aren't with me and I miss you terribly and that that sadness will disappear the minute you are home with me. I did tell everyone that this has been the hardest part, being away from you, and that I would have gladly gone through another 32 hours of labour if it meant having you home with me.
After everything I went through with the pregnancy and the long labour, it is the worst feeling leaving the hospital without one's baby. When I think of all the times that I have cried, or the way my heart aches all the time - unless someone has gone through it or is going through it, it is hard for others to understand what it is like.
I left the shower at about 2:30. In some ways it was hard to be there, surrounded by happy people when I am feeling so sad, so incomplete. When I got home Deb, Lisa and the kids showed up with a bunch of food for daddy and I. The boys also made us snowflakes and they each bought you a gift - a little stuffed lamb and a really cute outfit. It was so sweet of all of them. I am truly blessed to have such good friends!
After your father got home we headed to the hospital to visit you. During my first attempt of the day at breastfeeding, you were sucking so strong that it hurt to use the breast shield, so I tried without it. It seemed like you were doing a good job but then when we weighed you there was no change. I was so disheartened. When Joe and I left for the break, I was so upset. I felt like a failure. It is difficult because I want so much to bring you home and I know that it is dependent on you feeding successfully.
Your dad and I had a real heart-to-heart and he told me that when he comes to the hospital, most of the time he feels useless. It was nice to share things with him. I think he is the only one I can talk to who truly understands what I am going through, because he is going through it too.
After the break, your daddy and I gave you a bath.Your dad let me do most of it this time since I was having such a hard day. The two of us ended up having a pretty good laugh because you basically slept through the whole thing! While I was washing your hair you looked so content. It was almost like you were at a salon getting your hair done. I have now decided to nickname you my little sleepy man because you seem to be an expert at sleeping through anything!
For your next feed I decided to use the breast shield again and this time you got 15 cc's so I was happy about that. It made for a much better end to the day. I hope you sleep well tonight my little sleepy man.
Love,
mommy
Theo is 5 years old now and he still has that lamb, which we appropriately named "Lamb". He is a little bit tattered looking but he still sleeps in Theo's room watching over him every night.
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