Letters to Theo - November 18, 2006

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Dear Theo,

I made the trip to the hospital alone today. Your dad stayed home to clean the house and work on your room. Basically I just showed up to breastfeed. I was lucky though because when I first got there all the breastfeeding areas (a small room with chairs partitioned by curtains for privacy) were full so I just sat in a rocker and held you close to me.

The day went pretty much the same as most days. I breastfed you and then afterwards I hung out in the hospital lobby until it was time to breastfeed you again. I've started to realize that I feel somewhat unwanted when I'm in the NICU. I had a really good talk tonight with my midwife, Jenn, about it. While there are some really great nurses who work in the NICU, there are also some who are basically just there to do their jobs and I think these nurses forget just how hard it is emotionally for mothers to have their children in the NICU.

This afternoon I had packed the fridge with milk and the nurse responsible for you said to me somewhat condescendingly "Mrs. Fletcher, I think we need to introduce you to the freezer." I told her I already had milk in the freezer and she said there was more than enough milk to get you through the night. I felt so uncomfortable that I didn't say anything - though I was thinking about the fact that I wouldn't be back until the 5:30 p.m. feed the next day. Later, when I left and told this same nurse when I would be back tomorrow, she looked kind of surprised (perhaps she realized her earlier mistake or maybe that's just wishful thinking).

I think having you in the hospital has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. When I go to the NICU I feel like I can't be myself. I often feel like I am being judged. It's hard sometimes to not feel like a failure as a mother.

When I think about it - it's interesting that in order to leave the NICU, we have to go through a bunking in test. This involves the two of us staying in one of the NICU's special overnight rooms together and I am completely responsible for you. But in order to 'pass' the test, you have to do well at each of your feedings and subsequent weighings. I wonder if mothers of full term babies have to go through a similar test?? Probably not.

The times I most look forward to are the times when I breastfeed you because I get to be alone with you. Those are the times when I shut out the rest of the world and I just enjoy being with you and being your mom. You are so very precious to me.

Love,
mommy