Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Dear Theo,
This morning I went back into the school where I work to say goodbye to my students and the staff. I brought in a picture of you to show too. Everyone absolutely gushed over you. Of course, it was difficult having to answer the same question over and over - where's the baby? Still, it was good to see everyone. I went out for lunch with your 'aunts' Deb and Lisa. The two of them have been a huge source of support for me, reassuring me that it is okay to be a little selfish and protective when it comes to you. They have also volunteered to make food for your dad and I. I think it is very sweet of them.
When I got to the hospital I had a bit of a surprise - they had moved you to the other room. I don't really think I like the change. This new room has more babies and more people (moms mostly) and it is a lot smaller than the other room. With all the chaos of this new room, I felt a little lost and out of place. Both my attempts at breastfeeding seemed to be unsuccessful (less than 5 cc's) and what made it worse is that all the mothers around me seemed to be doing so well (30 cc's). It was very discouraging and when I left the hospital I felt especially emotional. I just feel so alone. Your father is very supportive but the problem is that he can't be there at the hospital everyday because he has to work to support our family.
The best part of my day was your smile. I was holding you in my arms and watching you make faces and with your eyes still closed, the corners of your mouth turned up in a beautiful smile. It made me smile to see it and I thought you must be having some really good dream. Maybe you were dreaming about your daddy and I, maybe something else...I just hope that you are happy.
Love,
mommy
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